You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
