the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
