I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
