i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
