I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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