FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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