are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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