And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Randomize
