Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
