I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
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my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
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IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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