Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
