I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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