k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
