Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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