I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
