apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
