she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
