Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
