is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
