The best revenge is premature balding
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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