Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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