My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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