i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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