I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
