my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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