Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
