I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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