FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
