nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
