Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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