I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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