On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
