smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
