From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
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He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
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I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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