I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
