i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
she pinky promised me she was 18
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
