I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
