I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
