I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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