i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
