Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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