It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
