I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
