its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
