I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
