It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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