Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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