Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
