I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
