Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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