ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
