I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
