I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
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She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
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It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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