I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
