Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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