I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dick very happy bro
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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