My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
