you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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