Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
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One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
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he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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