i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
