I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
