i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
